


Instead

by Galadwen



Series: All Out of Love [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, Demon!Dean, M/M, Playlist, Sequel, before 10x03, lots of feels, very sentimental demon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-22
Updated: 2014-10-22
Packaged: 2018-02-22 04:23:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2494319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Galadwen/pseuds/Galadwen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yeas ago, Dean made a -very secret- playlist to cry over his feelings. And right now, Demon!Dean is in need of a night ride, with very loud music.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Instead

**Author's Note:**

> I am 100% sure that Dean has a sap playlist to cry his feeling out, alone in the Impala. And it's made of 80s love songs.  
> [Here it is.](http://8tracks.com/galadwen/dean-very-secret-playlist)  
> This story is a sequel to 'the Crowley thing', but you don't really need to read that to read this.  
> I wrote it before watching 10x03, i swear (still have to).

He has been driving non-stop through the night. Yes, he could teleport, but what’s the fun in that? Dean loves to drive. And right now, he wants to drive and listen to his stereo without being bothered by any demonic-related thing. Especially Crowley-related. He can still hear him and his skin itches with anger and regret. And right now, he doesn’t want indulge in any of that.

The music is loud and his singing is louder, fueled by cheap whiskey and cheaper beers. His super, very much secret playlist pours out of the car windows, leaving a trail of synthesizers and eighties keyboards behind the wheels.

He’s halfway a rendition of Toto, where he’s blatantly changing the lyrics of ‘Rosanna’ into ‘Castiel’ and screaming out at the empty air, when he arrives at the barn.

And he’s not alone.

It would be impossible to miss the gross parody of a car that stands near the abandoned building, and Dean grins. He should probably turn the car off, but he really doesn’t want to.

He’s a mix of desire, fear and excitement, all blended together to the point where his head is almost spinning. There’s a knot pressing in his throat, a corner of his mind telling him to flee, to go before it’s too late because he’s not ready, he can never be ready, and _not now_ of all times. Not when he’s a tangled mess of darkness and restless desires.

Instead, he turns up the volume. The smooth notes from Scorpions fill the night.

 _Ah, the irony!_ Dean thinks as he sings along to the song.

_‘The wise man said just walk this way, to the dawn of the light.’_

Heavy steps creak on the gravel, and a familiar silhouette in trench coat appears on the threshold of the rotting shed.

 _‘Here I am. Will you send me an angel?’_ Dean singing is unabashed.

Castiel freezes, eyes going wild with shock, as Dean’s voice trails away, completely out of tune. He stops singing and for a moment just stares at the angel before him. He seems so worn out, so _thin_ , like a candle standing alone against the darkness, that for a moment Dean is scared to his guts.

_Run to him._

Instead, he stays still and forgets to speak.

Sadness pours out of Castiel like a wave: from his eyes, his slow movements, his words.

“Didn’t expect you to find you here, Dean” he says, slowly, the smallest of smile on his chunked lips, and it doesn’t reach his tired eyes, that stare right back into Dean’s. He doesn’t flinch, doesn’t look away, doesn’t grimace in horror. He doesn’t do any of the things Dean had half-expected him to do.

Still, the lack of light in his blue eyes makes Dean want to scream and cry. Cas _is_ light, always has been. And now, Dean sees even more clearly the void of his vanishing grace.

_What have you done to yourself?_

Instead, he swallows and puts on a mischievous smirk, as he steps out of the car and walk to Castiel with long strides.

“Feeling sentimental, angel?”

A small shrug of the shoulders.

“Could ask you the same.”

“Maybe I came to set it on fire” Dean is very close to Castiel, now. He can see the dark circles on his skin, the myriad of galaxies and stars reduced to a dwindling flame. And can’t help himself from frowning in worry.

“Have you?” Cas is asking, only inches away from his face. And it’s an honest question, without irony or mischief. And Dean is thrown off his balance.

He drops his head, and when he answers he looks incredibly childish.

“No, not really…”

 _I would never_.

He kicks some of the gravel with one foot.

“Besides, it’s rotting. Wouldn’t make much of a bonfire.”

_This is where you saved me._

Castiel smiles a bit, and a part of Dean can’t stop wondering how it is that Cas still wants to talk to him, smile at him. How it is that the burning anger that lives within him fades and subsides at his mere presence.

And he’s starting to feel something that resembles peace, when Cas touches him lightly on the arm.

“Dean…” he starts, and there’s so much in his gaze: hope, understanding, forgiveness. _Love_. Unconditional and absolute. Almost brutal in its clarity, blinding in its brightness. And he wants to give in, he wants to lean into Cas’ embrace.

Instead, the demon bites back, fear and rage blazing through his spine, green going black.

“Don’t touch me!”

_‘He will never love you’_

Castiel takes a leap back, shock and concern twisting his features.

“Stay away from me, angel, we’re supposed to be enemies, remember? The bible and all that shit” he grins bitterness.

_‘Angels don’t do love.’_

“Dean—“ his hand is still midway to Dean’s arm.

_‘Twisted in what he despises most’_

“And sure you don’t want what is left of your grace to get tainted?”

“DEAN!” Castiel shouts and there’s a distant thunder in its voice, an echo of power rumbling low as the last sparks of lighting blaze in the distance.

And Dean stops, struck from something he cannot identify.

_Save me!_

And all of a sudden, Castiel grabs him: grabs his arm and pulls him close, grabs his face in both hands and kisses him. Gently, chastely, full of promises and determination. And Dean surrenders, the demon subsiding again within his chest as Cas keeps kissing him, tender and soft.

He cups his face and stares into his eyes, finding stars and galaxies and colors within the black, as it slowly retreats into the shining green of summer leaves.

“Hang in there, Dean. I’m coming to get you, I promise.” he whispers on his lips, and vanishes in a brief glare of white.

Dean remains there, the void in is arms so painful he wants to scream.

Instead, he cries.

The cassette has reached its final song.

_I'll be your hope, I'll be your love, be everything that you need._


End file.
